It starts on the way home from work. The Feeling. Somewhere from under my eyes, the sadness pressures tears to release and I let them slide down my cheeks. I wonder what I am crying about? Am I sad?
I am alone. But I have found so much comfort in my aloneness - that can’t be it.
There’s a howl trapped inside my body, and sometimes I turn the music up so I can’t hear it escape my lips.
My mind wonders if I am clinically depressed.
Or am I still grieving?
Am I grieving the things, I couldn’t grieve when they happened? When I had to be strong, and I couldn’t let the loss impact the balance of what I had going on in my life?
Is that why when I get home sometimes, I lay across my bed - still made, with my shoes still on, sometimes my coat too, and I let the tears fall like the cascades of a waterfall, my body weak from the Feelings finally escaping their prison down deep inside?
I think this is what complex trauma looks like, and I am sad for the young girl who woke up one day and her whole life changed and never seemed to screw back on the right way again. I grieve her mostly.
I wonder sometimes, should I try to be her again? Should I resurrect her dreams and try to follow them?
I remember when I was terrified of grieving. I thought if I “let go” I may never come back, never recover. I pushed down the pain, swallowing it in a big gulp of wine or beer, like the act would assure its passage from me. “Please pass this cup” I used to whisper to God every night, begging him and recalling the story of Jesus in the garden before his execution. He was afraid, and he asked his Father to let what he must endure “pass” him. I loved that story because it made me feel like Jesus was real, he was human and had feelings like us. He was afraid too.
I can’t pass the cup anymore. The grief that piled year after year, loss after loss, has finally found its way out and I want to let it go, so I do. I mourn all of it. I let the tears come, just as the sun descends in the sky. It feels so sad, but this time, I know that I will recover and will see the sun shine again.